The wind.

Again last night I was woken up by the wind.  If I haven’t mentioned it before, it is VERY blustery up here and in Denver in general.

The first thing I did was see if I could spot my planet out the window from my place in bed.

There is a planet, or I guess more probably a satellite or some light in the clear night sky that is bright enough to see without my glasses and it’s been in the upper left corner of our bedroom window for a few weeks now.  It’s a bit of a comfort, flickering in the urban canopy.

I am having trouble sleeping, which I think is just part of being less than four weeks from my due date.  Where did our time as two go?  What will it be like to be someone’s mother?  How will we handle it all as a couple?

Chris has been working massive hours.  I mean, home by midnight at the earliest on nights we don’t have birthing classes and sometimes nights we do — when class lets out at nine, he goes back to his office.  He goes back to the office for seven a.m.  I have been handling things at home and at work (and not doing that great at either).  Yesterday it all came spilling out before Micaela arrived from Boston for a visit.  We are freaked out.

How do we fit this tiny person into our small space?  I totally get why people move to houses in the suburbs.  It’s so they can have a nursery big enough to fit a large tufted glider without having to sacrifice a guest bed.  It’s so they don’t have to get rid of dishes to fit bottles in their kitchen cupboards.  It’s so they don’t have to put their desk in storage so a crib can fit in the office.

How will we live with limited sleep?  Or at least, super interrupted sleep?  Will we be really cranky with each other?

Baby will be born during corporate tax season and I’ve been forewarned that Chris will not be able to take much time off to help me those first few weeks and unfortunately, we’ve decided my mom should come out when Chris receives radioactive iodine rather than when the baby is born.  We think this will happen some time in March.  What will I do without my mom or my partner here to help me?  Leaning on others is NOT my strong suit.  My mother-in-law has been very gracious and wants to be here to help and I know I need to take her up on this — “What are you doing from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day for two weeks because I’m worried I won’t be able to do this without a little help and guidance?”

I have been told over and over again to ASK people to come and visit.  Come hold the baby so I can take a shower.  Please feel free to do a load of laundry.  Clean our bathroom.  I’m not really comfortable with much of that kind of thing–you know, the asking for help thing.

Last night after worrying for an hour and writing an email to Micaela (who was right next door in the nursery) about my Wednesday and Friday schedule, I decided there was really not much I could do about it.  It is what it is and it’s only for a short while.  Just like that planet in the night sky.  It’s going to change position.  It’s going to shift.  And I have to have faith that all this concern will work itself out and in a few months I’ll be wondering what all this apprehension was about to begin with.

wind runner[source]

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